To the unknown

Jul 21, 2019

It has been one month since embarking on a journey, most of which is unknown to me and is revealed while I’m on the move. A month during which I attended three unusual gatherings, each preparing me a little more for the next one, establishing a new pillar in my perception of the world and myself.

Before I continue, a quick catch-up for those who are just starting to follow: I recently resigned from my job of the past five years, knowing there is another path waiting for me.

I heard an inner voice calling asking me to express myself in the most refined way while doing good in the outside world, knowing that through this I will find fulfillment, satisfaction, growth, and meaning.

I began the journey that was first devoted to deepening my life experience, exploring my own and others’ perceptions, and learning different methods while attending festivals and workshops around the world.

For starters, I began to expand my knowledge and consciousness and discovered things I didn’t know I didn’t know.  

I’d like to share impressions that seem meaningful to me at this moment, though in every moment I find myself sinking into different thoughts, and maybe later on those are the ones to be catching the spotlight.

So where should I start ..? With the act of “labeling”, or calling things by their names- I can find a way to share those ideas. 

So here we go:

“Connecting ” is a dominant word in the last month’s experience.

Connecting with self, through new discoveries and self-observation.

Connecting with others, through direct eye contact or during, enabling conversations and through listening.    

Connecting with nature. Feeling appreciation of its presence, beauty, and power.

I mentioned the “Discovery” I’ve experienced in the past few weeks, in which I would like to linger:

For example, the discovery that there is a weight on my shoulders without me knowing. The kind of weight calls me to stand to my and others’ expectations for me, to deliver the goods. From the moment I came to see that those expectations create tension and unrealistic pressure on me- I was also given the opportunity to neutralize  themto be comfortable with simply being me.

It was also a discovery of masks, and a discovery of feelings that even I didn’t know I had because I never gave them space.

Giving space “:

To me, the concept was new, and I am aware now of the power hidden in it. 

I can give space even to the uncomfortable emotions when thoserise within me. For example, when I feel sadness or anger, instead of ignoring the discomfort or covering it with humor or a happy, smiling mask – I can accept the discomfort and give myself the time to get back to my easier emotions when I’m ready to. I can stop to check what causes that discomfort.

For instance, there is also the foreign language discomfort, in which I feel how I fail to find words. Obviously, the next task for me is to improve my English, but at the same time, to be humble and share the discomfort I am currently experiencing, or ask for help and patience.

So now that I’m familiar with a new concept, I have the option to give space and to be me.

With the discovery of new concepts, I am exposed to new ways of thinking and a broader life experience, which I am happy to share, and perhaps create ripples that will resonate beyond the limits of my personal experience.

And what’s next?

I want more. More of what I don’t know that I don’t know about the world and myself. I aim to discover more dimensions of existence so I can come back to find out how simple everything is. 

Maybe reveal a hidden truth? 

Light up my shadows, and for the first time reach those who were so well hidden that I didn’t even know about their presence.

Observe my thoughts from a new perspective, and then navigate them to better destinations.

I hope to find out if I can pave a new path for myself: A path that would be skipping the delays of fear or unclarity, a path that is smooth and leads directly to my pre-set goals. Perhaps a path with a more pleasant view and a positive atmosphere.

From a distance, I can reach a new perception of my experiences. The questions are the gate :

Where’s my thought now? Resting inside me? Focusing on someone else? Or on something that’s happening around me?

And how does it feel?

What is the nature of the emotion that I’m experiencing? Neutral? Positive? Or sore or angry?

How am I in the experience, am I experiencing it fully? Or hiding behind humor or a desire to show the strength that doesn’t really reflect the way I feel now? 

Am I saying “Everything is okay”, while inside there is a different experience that is not being expressed. 

Do I authentically express myself, or am I hiding behind a mask? 

And if that’s the case now … what kind of mask do I wear? What purpose does it serve?

And, should I consider removing it?

Wait; why should I remove the mask? After all, it is safe and cozy behind it, it protects me from experiencing fear or show hard emotions.

Because removing the mask can allow me to experience myself to the fullest and gain better communication with others. If the other person could truly know what I am experiencing at a certain moment, then there is a real chance fora positive impact in our shared experience, because vulnerability is power. 

Vulnerability is the highway path for experiencing intimacy. 

True, it may not be easy to access that highway, after all, I taught myself to hide my variability for so many years… and now, shall I really give up everything I’ve been working on for so long? 

I always knew that I wanted to be independent, and my strength carried me to the distance, while vulnerability was a danger: Exposing my vulnerability always seemed to me a dependency of a kind that give to much power to someone else.        

“Could both of the forces stand side by side? Independency and vulnerability?” I’m pondering and I am curious to expose the possibility of coexistence within me.

(Thanks to Alice Markowits for her editing)

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